Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1
I don't know what faith means.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Where does my help come from??
There are things that my soul knows and then there is the human part of me that feels like kicking it in the ass. I am slowly realizing that things happen that are beyond my understanding and my control. Why? Why? Why? I can not seem to find that right answer to the things that I don't understand. Why did she not stay? Did she suffer? Is she OK? Does she know I did my best? Does she know I love her? Does she know I miss her so so so much? I have so many questions and no one to reach to me and say "Listen. I have your answers". I hate that place.
If I am quiet enough, still enough, I know the answers to my own questions. This is where I know that everything I need to know is within myself. Its hard, because I want my answers now, I want my understanding NOW. And it ain't coming fast enough.
I am learning to be patient with this grief, with myself. To let it ride through me, to let it overwhelm me and as soon as I feel like I will drown, it is taken from me and I feel brief moments of peace, of acceptance and of letting go. I still don't like it.
I think of her often, every day, almost every moment. I have books on life after death and I scour every story of loss looking for that answer, the one that will ring true to my soul and release me from my sadness and regrets. But I know better. I know that my answers are sitting there in my heart, waiting to be accepted and looked at and accepted again. My soul knows that death does not exist, that there are realms beyond this where angels tread and where loved ones are. Have I been there? No, but I know this. I know that there is so much more to my life, to every ones life. There are divine purposes, divine lessons that we each much walk through. Walk through willingly or unwillingly, they still come to us. I am learning to surrender my yearnings of not knowing to god. To my angels, to the saints. Do I have proof? No. I have my heart. I have my knowing that I can not disregard because I am sad or angry. I am grateful that I shared that experience with Olivia. It has shown me things about myself, about life, about love. It has literally changed me energetically. I don't know how else to put that. "The world looks different to me" I told my mom, I told Erik.
"How so?" they asked.
Silly me, silly me. I know this answer. Its not that the world has changed, I have changed! Another "knowing" that I know, but now, after "losing" Olivia, I really truly know in my soul.
It is not the world that has changed, but I that has changed. That's how it will always be in this world. I am on some level, able to choose the lens that I see this world through. Good or bad, I can always choose to see it differently. I am not over this nor will I ever be, but I am closer to the understanding that I feel I am craving so. I pray that whatever journey your on, that your answers and your peace come simply.
If I am quiet enough, still enough, I know the answers to my own questions. This is where I know that everything I need to know is within myself. Its hard, because I want my answers now, I want my understanding NOW. And it ain't coming fast enough.
I am learning to be patient with this grief, with myself. To let it ride through me, to let it overwhelm me and as soon as I feel like I will drown, it is taken from me and I feel brief moments of peace, of acceptance and of letting go. I still don't like it.
I think of her often, every day, almost every moment. I have books on life after death and I scour every story of loss looking for that answer, the one that will ring true to my soul and release me from my sadness and regrets. But I know better. I know that my answers are sitting there in my heart, waiting to be accepted and looked at and accepted again. My soul knows that death does not exist, that there are realms beyond this where angels tread and where loved ones are. Have I been there? No, but I know this. I know that there is so much more to my life, to every ones life. There are divine purposes, divine lessons that we each much walk through. Walk through willingly or unwillingly, they still come to us. I am learning to surrender my yearnings of not knowing to god. To my angels, to the saints. Do I have proof? No. I have my heart. I have my knowing that I can not disregard because I am sad or angry. I am grateful that I shared that experience with Olivia. It has shown me things about myself, about life, about love. It has literally changed me energetically. I don't know how else to put that. "The world looks different to me" I told my mom, I told Erik.
"How so?" they asked.
Silly me, silly me. I know this answer. Its not that the world has changed, I have changed! Another "knowing" that I know, but now, after "losing" Olivia, I really truly know in my soul.
It is not the world that has changed, but I that has changed. That's how it will always be in this world. I am on some level, able to choose the lens that I see this world through. Good or bad, I can always choose to see it differently. I am not over this nor will I ever be, but I am closer to the understanding that I feel I am craving so. I pray that whatever journey your on, that your answers and your peace come simply.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)